Hishkaboobala

Pondering confidence

Whenever I look in a mirror, some part of me immediately thinks, Fat. It’s not always the prevailing thought—oftentimes I’m as quick to process Fat as I am to pleasantly regard how long my hair has grown or give myself a pat on the admirable ass. But always, always, always, Fat is there, too.

There was a time when I didn’t even try to argue with Fat. My self-esteem was weaksauce back then, which is pretty annoying because I was (and am) a beautiful girl, and if anyone thought I wasn’t, it’s because I didn’t manifest it (a.k.a. zero confidence). I’m no expert on confidence—it’s still a relatively new concept for me personally—but I have learned a couple very important things about it:

1. Confidence can have an extremely powerful effect on others. I’d group it with the likes of attraction and money.
2. Unlike the decision to be attractive or rich, the decision to be confident is 100% your own. There are circumstances that can prevent you from being incredibly hot or incredibly wealthy—there are virtually no circumstances (outside of your own mind) that can prevent you from being incredibly confident.

Confidence sounds really great, but it can be a bit of a vicious cycle when you lack in it. If you lack confidence, then you probably underestimate your own self-worth. And if you underestimate you’re own self-worth, everyone else probably does too. And if everyone underestimates you, it only makes it that much harder to feel confident. 

That about sums up my personal journey from tubby 8-year-old to self-conscious closet-hottie coed. I thought being (or feeling) fat meant I was less than everyone else, and when you act like other people are better than you, they’re going to take your word for it to build their own confidence. 

I know that it all happened the way it did for a reason, but sometimes I really wish I could go back and meet my pre-teen self and say “Hey, you’re a lot cooler than you think. No, really, I’m not just saying that, because I was you, and I was wrong for a really long time.”

Just remember to love yourself, guys. It’s entirely up to you whether you do or not, and doing so makes it a hell of a lot easier to attract the right kind of love… and to recognize the wrong kind.